Well, I’m stuck once again. I feel like I’m just going in circles. Like I can’t figure out how to move forward, so I’m stuck here, treading water. Like I’ve said all the things I’m saying now I’ve said before.

I’m tired of going through the same crap over and over. If I’m going through crap, I want it to be new crap.

Like this whole Tommy thing. It feels repetitive on so many levels. He likes reading my blog, for jollies or knowing what I’m thinking or because he is bored, I have no idea. But he always get upset by something he sees. Which, kinda comes with the territory of life. So, if you don’t want to be upset, stop reading.

Well, now that all those who will get angry at me are gone, I will continue. One good thing has happened lately.

During a play I was doing recently, I got a lot closer to this guy who is 4 years older than me. We joked around a lot and it was fun, but I really avoided hanging out with him outside of the play for a few reasons.

1. I would mention him as a friend occasionally, and I would get made fun of by Tommy and some of my other friends.

2. I was with Tommy at this point, and because I do find this guy attractive I thought it was a good idea to avoid that.

3. He is older than me, and I wanted to be cautious.

But time and time again, these have mattered less and less. I’m getting so tired of not taking risks because of stupid things. Tommy is gone, and I have started talking less and less about parts of my life that don’t concern my friends. None have them have proved that I should trust them with it.

So I went and hung out with him. Not as a date, another one of his friends hung out with us too. But it was fun. We joked around, we were silly. And I think he flirted with me.

But even this has kinda a sad undertone. He is leaving in less than a month for England. Where he will be for months. And when he does come back, he will be going to college a few hours away.

Maybe something good will happen. Maybe it won’t. But either way I’m going to end up where I was before.

Sad, alone and trying to figure myself out.

We are coming to such an end. The end of this year, the end of this semester.

But it almost feels like a crossroads at this point. Like I have choices, but I am not aware of what they are. Is it just the new year? Because nothing is going to change, besides one class. Tommy will still be acting like I am the one who got a boyfriend and started ignoring him, Smith will still be puppy dog all over me.

I want it to change. This would be the main reason I ended it with Tommy. But how? I wish I could just make things better, make guys I don’t want not fall for me, make things ok for once. It feels like I have been struggling against something my whole life, and I can’t get anything right.

I hate to complain, but something needs to give. And it appears to be me, because I can’t make anything else work.

I can’t make things ok, and I never will be able to.

But I can make myself better.

So do guys tell you they intensely like you and then ditch you for another girl in a week as well, or is it just me?

Yes, I turn them down. But am I so repulsive or such a back up that they can just do that?

I would excuse once as chance. But twice? In like a month?

So you already know all about James, and a little about Tommy.

Well, Tommy has happened again. We talked about him girl hopping a bit, and he mentioned it was something he wanted to change. We started talking again like normal, and things seemed pretty good.

But I was completely proven correct in my girl hopping thing. He has a new girlfriend. Less than a week after we broke up.

Classy.

I’m fine with it, but a few things I find amusing.

1. I think they bonded over a band I introduced him to.

2. I don’t believe they have ever hung out.

3. I have never seen them even talk.

Good luck to them, but it seems kinda like major girl hopping.

And he better hope she never finds out about us still technically being together a week before they started.

Tommy is a good guy and a good friend, but I am really doubting his ability to tell the truth.

I guess I can’t trust him after all.

This blog has become such a spot for venting. Partly because I know next to no one reads it, but it still opens things up enough that I have to be honest. It’s not like a diary no one sees. This is almost more private. There is no chance for this to be found in the craziness that is the internet.

I am no Sei Shonagon

But in an effort to cheer myself up, I will take one of her ideas.

Things that make me happy

1. The songs that make me sing no matter what my mood

2. Lilies and Sunflowers

3. The sun

4. Rolling down my windows while driving

5. Hugs

6. A good book

7. My window seat in the spring

8. Snow

9. Stars

10. Chocolate

11. The way skin smells in the summer

12. The way home feels in the winter

13. After the rain

So, things worked out with Tommy. To a point. I liked him, but what I liked more was not being alone. It gets old.

But I knew he liked me much more than I liked him. Which made me feel quite a bit like a bitch. So since we never became anything serious, I thought I could end it simply and then go on my way. We could be friends again, all that lovely stuff.

I was very wrong.

He was not at all pleased by this, and proceeded to tell me just how much he liked me, which really made it obvious it needed to end to me.

He proceeded to basically ignore me for two days, and when I asked him how much longer it was to go on, he replied with something like amusement, that he was not ignoring me at all, but he was going to be late for class, etc. etc.

I didn’t expect him to be my best friend or anything in the next few days, but I like basic acknowledgment as much as the next girl.

I started thinking about the point when we first got together, and how it was maybe a month after he had broken up with his last girlfriend. And how after we broke up, he had gotten super close to getting a new girlfriend about a month after we broke up before he decided on me instead.

He told me he has never gone to a dance with out a date. And how many past girlfriends he has had. It got me thinking. He hops from girl to girl faster than I have ever seen.

Which in some respects, made me quite pleased. I predict he will have a new girlfriend by the new year, maybe a little more since we are off school, and by then he can go pine over her and we can be friends again.

But how am I to believe much of what he said since I know he probably was exaggerating how much he liked me, if he really liked me at all? Was I simply supposed to fill that position that always needs to be filled in his life?

I guess I’ll never know.

I’m looking to the past,
leaving you behind me
I knew this would never last
I’ll always be the one to leave you
So what if I’ve got my pride?
I know I’ll never had you
And who cares where I’m going to,
when I don’t know where I’ve been.

Because all I want to say,
Is theres no looking back today
Your in the past,
and I know we’d never last anyway

All I need to ask you
Was yesterday good for you
Because its all we’ll ever have
But it was never much at all
Cause I know I’d never fall for you
Even though you fell for me

Because all I want to say,
Is theres no looking back today
Your in the past,
and I know we’d never last anyway
Anyway

And all I can ever say
Is sorry yet another day
Was it not enough
That I tried things I didn’t want
Because I’m not for you
And not for me

And you never will be

Yes, I realize its been a long time. And I am sorry, again, but diaries and things of the sort have never been my strong suit.

But there has been tons of drama in the past few weeks, and I feel the need to get it down somewhere.

So I broke up with my boyfriend of the summer, (let’s call him Tommy) on the advice from at that point one of my kinda friends (let’s call him James). Tommy and James are good friends, and have been for about a year. Most important fact right there.

Now, they are two very different guys. Tommy is the happy-go-lucky guy, all friendly and nice.

James is the tough “I’m an asshole” type when you first meet him, but he’s actually pretty sweet when you get to know him, but its very hard to get past the asshole type.

But anyway, back to the point. A month or two after Tommy and I broke up, we are back to being friends, relatively quickly actually because we really click just as people.  James and I are pretty cool, and my thought is we are actually friends at this point. I’m getting along with them both, and things are going well just in general.

Then a bomb drops. I ask why James is doing various things, such as not eating every meal, trying to be nicer, etc. His reply is rather simple “A girl”. Of course, being the curious person I am, I ask about this girl, and he replies in all the way he adores her, which I will not repeat for many reasons.

I’m talking to Tommy and he is saying he likes a girl as well. I, of course begin to encourage both of them. At one point, it occurs to me that both of these girls sound slightly like me. I have a mini panic attack, and then resolve that, because that is just stupid. Why would two boys like me? The idea is preposterous.

I was wrong. James does several stupid things, to “punish himself” for not talking to “the girl” about how he feels. I feel terrible about this. I am not that great, what did I do to inspire this?

Various problems ensue. I talk to Tommy about James, and he maybe lies to me, I am not sure. I know that he lies to me a lot though.

Basically it goes like this. I talk to James, and he is perfectly sweet and great and I enjoy talking to him, and he flatters me, and I believe I am getting a crush on him. Then I talk to Tommy, and we laugh and joke and he tells me how James would be bad for me, and I start to think that James wouldn’t work out, and its stupid to even think about it.

And so on. Some point of this, I learned James has liked me for over a year. I panic a little more.

Until one day, when the shit hits the ceiling. James decides to talk to me. At school. In the parking lot.

While I’m sure this encounter was awkward and just plain terrible, I can’t remember it. I know I walked away with a poem that made me tear up quite a bit.

James is depressed, because what ever I said in that parking lot must have been rejection. I want to make it better, so I go to talk to him. We talk, and I tell him I’m not sure, but I must not have put it clearly enough. We talk, and things are looking up, and I am thinking I will give James a chance, because otherwise I will not feel ok about this whole thing.

But then another shit hitting ceiling night happens. I am staying in, because I know if i go out with Tommy, he will end up trying to make a move on me because of something that I didn’t think about at the time. I am not ready for that, so I have decided to stay in.

James has started talking to me again, and I tell him I am feeling trapped and worried, and he urges me to go out. I say no, because it might end up hurting him. He urges me more, and I agree because I am tired.

I am tired of him not actually seeming like he wants me, I am tired of Tommy telling me he is an ass, I am tired of things going wrong. I am tired of being sad.

I go, and Tommy and I kiss. Well, Tommy kisses me. I go home and tell James what happened. He is sad and depressed, and feels like he is insignificant (I assume).

I tell him we can hang out, because I don’t want to be anything to Tommy with out giving James a chance.

I cry very much this week.

James starts to question why I am willing to hang out with him. He sees to far into it, and I get angry and give up. I am done.

I am done with being sad and being angry and hating him and Tommy lying to me.

The day after I give up on talking to him, he gets a kinda girlfriend. This hurts. Not necessarily because I like him one way or another, but because I am worth so little that I can say no and one day later he is over me.

I say fuck it, and go out with Tommy, and make out with him in my car the night I was supposed to go hang out with James.

Tommy and I are now kinda something even though I’m not sure what, but I like things the way they are.

There is more to this story, but I have written enough.

Yes, I do realize it has been  a year since I have posted. Understood. And I am sorry to any people who actually read this, but I am bad a keeping up on things.

But, on another note, I did accomplish something of note reccently. I did a sermon/ service for my church. I arranged the whole thing, and most people said they liked it, which is always a self esteem booster. My service was on freedom, which usually ends in American’s griping about the stuff we don’t have, not the freedoms we do have, but my service was more positive, about freedoms we have and how we should appriciate them more.

It only lasted about 45 minutes, short of the one hour mark sadly. But even those 45 minutes were a lot of work. Also, all the hymns and readings not posted are in the UU hymnal, Singing In the Living tradition.

Here’s the service.

PRELUDE
I’m on My Way

WELCOME AND ANNOUNCEMENTS

CALL TO WORSHIP AND CHALICE LIGHTING -Owen
In lighting our candles, we enter into the spirit of this community with love and charity for all humanity.
We draw together with reverence, faith and thanksgiving,
Accepting the company of all human souls for our comfort.
HYMN
Oh I woke up this morning #153
OFFERING WORDS AND TIME OF GREETING
In the future days which we seek to make secure, we look forward to a world founded upon four essential human freedoms.
The first is freedom of speech and expression–everywhere in the world.
The second is freedom of every person to worship God in his own way–everywhere in the world.
The third is freedom from want, which, translated into world terms, means economic understandings which will secure to every nation a healthy peacetime life for its inhabitants–everywhere in the world.
The fourth is freedom from fear, which, translated into world terms, means a world-wide reduction of armaments to such a point and in such a thorough fashion that no nation will be in a position to commit an act of physical aggression against any neighbor–anywhere in the world.
That is no vision of a distant millennium. It is a definite basis for a kind of world attainable in our own time and generation.
HYMN
Oh I wish I knew how #151
PRAYER AND MEDITATION
For to be free is not merely to cast off one’s chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others.
Nelson Mandela (1918 – )
MUSICAL INTERLUDE
This Land is your Land
READING-
Freedom 590
HOMILY

HYMN
We are Builiding a New Way #1017
BENEDICTION
May we be doers of the word, and not hearers only,
For to hear without doing is to deceive our own selves.
It is merely to behold our faces in a mirror, and go on our spearate ways, and straightaway forget what manner of person we are.
But whosoever looks into the perfect law of liberty, and continues therein;
We shall not be forgetful hearers, we shall be doers of the work;
We shall be blessed in our deeds; we shall be blessed in all we do.

And the sermon/Homily

Freedom has always been a big part of America. The idealists of our nation have always had freedom at the top of their lists, a justification for wars and political moves, but to UU’s it has always been far more important, a very basis of our religion itself, not just reasoning for far off wars. Without freedom, Unitarianism wouldn’t be what it is now. It is part of our core value and core beliefs. Some of the most famous Unitarians are famous because of their fight for freedom, Thomas Jefferson, John Adams and Benjamin Franklin.
Though they are long dead, their lives and work effect every part of us, from the way our country is run to the way our church acts, which  for the most part involves community outreach in our area and all over the world.
Thanks to the actions of these founding fathers, many of us haven’t had to work for freedom for ourselves or in our own communities for years, though UUs still usually do, reaching out for rights that still need to be achieved, such as gay marriage. But still, we reach out to other places far away, it might be because of the freedoms we appreciate as Americans, but it is much more likely it is because we are UUs and we reach out to anyone we can to help.
We send aid to our sister church, so their children have the freedom of more choices, to go school and to be able to feed their families. We send letters and protests to leaders to share our opinion. All vital parts of being a Unitarian, but an even more vital part of being an American citizen.
As American citizens, we don’t even recognize the freedoms we have until we really think about it. We’re much more likely, to gripe about the freedoms we don’t have. We aren’t allowed to go 35 down the street, we aren’t allowed to stay out past 11, we aren’t allowed to just not work on Fridays. But there are so many little things we are allowed to do that make the biggest difference. I can walk down the street alone with out a veil covering my face. I can tell a congressman I just don’t like him very much. My school paper can have a story about birth control in it.

The Kirkwood High School newspaper is where I’ve had a lot of encounters with freedom. We’ve done a few articles about things like pregnancy and depression, and even thought it might not be the most positive thing to put in a school newspaper, it is something true. Though our school district might not like these stories they don’t tell us to sacrifice our rights and not publish it. Not that they don’t have the legal right to. In a Hazelwood based Supreme Court case in the 80s, school administrators were given the right to preview and reject what students publish in their newspapers. A few states have overturned this, but Missouri is sadly not one of them. Our school doesn’t practice it, but with a new superintendent, there is a small chance we might forfeit this.

In one letter to the editor, we had someone write a letter so against gay rights, that in response we had three letters written back, at least two anonymous, not to mention the letter being the talk of the hallways. Most of the staff, me included, didn’t agree with the letter, But we published it. They had the right, the freedom to share their opinion, and we weren’t planning on stopping that. It was his freedom of speech, and to keep our own untarnished, we published his opinions.
The Newspaper isn’t the only place I have experienced freedom in my own life. I am allowed to read whatever books I want, even though someone might think they are inappropriate, or against their religion. Book burning is also a freedom, a way to show your opinion. And though I don’t like the idea of books being burned at all, I wouldn’t stop one, in the same way I hope I wouldn’t be stopped from reading a controversial book.
Like many other parts of America, freedom is something we have to work for. Unitarian’s alone take part in protest for anything you can imagine, using their freedom of assembly and petition, to give our say, and most of us very obviously value this right. We protest, write letters, donate time and money, all to show our freedom.
Our UU principles even state that we stand for democracy and liberty, and if those two don’t come close to freedom, I don’t know what does. It is part of our mission statement and part of who we are religiously.
My view on freedom might be different than the average person though. I was raised UU, unlike many who find themselves here now. Because of that, I might think differently about freedom and democracy than other teenagers, even American teenagers, those who have never experienced anything else. Thinking about the things we have as Americans is hard for us, especially things we can’t touch. It isn’t something we’re thankful for daily, or even register on a normal day, just a fact to us, except when we’re being self righteous and say something like “It’s a free country!”
What does that even mean? Well, besides what we say when we’re demanding to do things we shouldn’t. To me it’s lately come to mean more. I get to drive through the streets, and though I can’t go to fast, or drive more than one friend in my car, but I am allowed to drive, to go where I want to go, and I constantly think in a few years about my freedom to vote. Freedom being the key word. I can choose to go and vote, or I can choose not to. It doesn’t matter to the government, but hopefully it should matter to me.
I have to admit though, freedom isn’t always something I am consciously thankful for. It’s not something I wake up thinking, not like “I’m hungry” or “five more minutes”. Its one of those thoughts that come later, as you tell someone you don’t like their outfit or that you’ll be going to your church later that you think that you are exercising  “Freedom of speech” or “freedom of religion”. It’s a happy feeling, knowing that you have truly exercised your constitutional rights today.  Unfortunately, most of us don’t think of it.
Even on the forth of July, yesterday, freedom isn’t the first thing to come to mind. It comes somewhere after cook outs and fireworks, even though its the whole reason we have the holiday. We might even sing the national anthem or watch veterans march by, but freedom doesn’t come to mind.
That might be an inherent part of freedom. You never really think about it, its just a fact. But when its taken away or you have to fight for it, it becomes much more valuable. Those who’ve never truly had it also probably appreciate the idea of freedom much more than we do. They dream about it, desire it, think about it, and maybe some even obsess. But we just take it for granted, just another thing on that long list.
Though, the more we work for freedom, not even for ourselves, but for anyone, the more we appreciate it. Those of us who help in the fight for gay rights or the right for women to go to school have a better sense of what it means for us to have freedom. Not only the freedom of speech and press, but the freedom to go to school, the freedom to marry who you want to. Things that don’t even register to us until we join the fight to get what ever it is.
Then after we have achieved our goal do we really realize how good we have it. And all we really need to do is think about it a bit more. How glad we are we have it. That we do have free speech, and we do have the right to petition. It’s why our country and even our religion is the way it is today.

Since I don’t already have enough issues, lets all make fun of Bess at the same time.

Depression? Lets call her a emo!

Self Esteem issue? Lets call her names like bitch and cumsucker!

Issues with how she looks? Lets tell her how ugly and short she is!

If this isn’t already enough fun, lets add more!

Let’s refuse to grow some balls and apologize for something that is, in fact, a big deal.

Lets tell her constantly how her thoughts and opinions don’t matter!

You know what else will be fun? Refusing to respect her religon!

Or, for added kicks, her at all.

All that requires true men to accomplish!

Since making a already insecure and sad little girl even more sad and insecure is lots and lots of fun!

Making someone want to cry themselves to sleep is definately a good thing.

And when she thinks this is a normal occurence, good job, you’ve accompished your goal.

Thanks for destroying my self esteem guys!

So I’ve started my sophmore year, and so far I see no major changes, besides not being a freshie. I’ve meet some new cool people, and classes are a little harder. I’m still the lonely little short kid who people make fun of. And my friends are really the worst. A few of them are actually joking, but this one guy, being the total jackass he is, definately is being mean for the heck of it.

It has almost gotten to the point where I am about to go off on them. If I ever felt any need to beat someone up, it would be him. Could he be more jerky?