The grass seems pretty green right here

Writing

Bess — Mon, 05 Apr 2010 02:44:11 +0000

So I’m realized the school newspaper has really made me hate writing. Like before, I really loved it. I did it in my spare time, and it wasn’t a chore or something to be dreaded. But as I started writing more for the paper, I wrote less for me, and now I kinda hate it.

Which has made me decide to quit the paper next year. Only problem is that I have no idea how to break that too my parents…

Sad end of break

Bess — Sun, 28 Mar 2010 23:48:13 +0000

Sad. I feel all down in the dumps lately. Like I’ve finally crossed some sort of line. Maybe its the editor thing. Maybe its that we finally went to my mom’s house today. This shit is real. I have the key on my key chain, furniture is in the house. I’m just not dealing anymore. With anything. I just have this feeling now that I’ve done stupid fucking things, made stupid fucking choices that I can’t take back. I don’t think I like that guy that I thought I did. I mean, he’s sweet. And if he was interested, I might do something with him, but it would never be serious. At least for me. I doubt he’s interested though, so no worries.
I can’t really do going back to school right now. I’m not in the mood to deal with “Your hair is so short!” or “my spring break was awesome!” Because frankly, 1. I don’t care and 2. Mine was definitely not. The whole ikea trip kinda sucked, and I hated spending that much time with my family. Maybe that’s because I had no time to myself which kills me, since I love me some alone time. But back to school, and that will guarantee me at least some time alone after school, though I bet skipping will be very appealing this week.
Last night was awesome though. We watched Premonition (Not very good romantically or frighteningly) but what was fun was all the silliness that went along with it. You know, the usual sitting on laps, falling off, being ticked, joking around, all that good stuff. So that was a good end. But this isn’t. I’m on my period, I’m mopey, I just kinda want to cry. Is it bad that there is a person I feel like I could cry to? Maybe I’m starting to trust them after all. That would be interesting.
Homework sucks. I just can’t make myself chug through it like I normally do. And I’m pretty sure I still have a lot to do. Not tons, since I only have real homework in AP world, but some. Enough to be annoying. And enough I might just not finish it all. Why do teachers have us waste our time, when those who need homework usually don’t do it, and those who don’t need it do? I want a teacher that trusts you’ll do the homework you need and just not do the busy work. That would be my kind of class. Especially if the teacher actually teaches and is not one of those halfway teachers that are so common.

Chicago Dreams and wishful thinking

Bess — Wed, 24 Mar 2010 22:38:12 +0000

So I just got home from Chicago. Chicago was cool. We went to the field museum, the Planetarium and the Aquarium. But the whole point of the trip was to go up to buy stuff for my mom’s new house at ikea, which we did. Found some good stuff, and she closes on it this Friday. So I might paint some this weekend, all that good stuff.
But my mom and I aren’t getting along as well as we used to. She doesn’t believe a lot of things I say, and she doesn’t want to hear my opinion, its just annoying. I figure its about time though, we’ve gotten along so well for so many years, I figure its about time.
I feel sick. And gross. I don’t think I can have people over tonight… I don’t think it would be the best choice. Here, hold on, I’m going to text them to cancel it. Done. I mean, I would love to have friends over, but I feel gross. And would be no fun.
OH. I got my hair cut super short. Shorter than I intended actually. I want it to be a little bit longer, than hopefully I can keep it there consistently. I don’t know though, since I’ve never displayed any skill at keeping my hair a regular length. It’s always too long or a bit too short.
But, conflicting, strange dreams in Chicago. One of them was sad, a few of them were odd, but all of them were not entirely ok. It was strange, and it made me really sad for some reason. Dreams are weird. Most of the other, I don’t really remember, but I think they were all strange.
So the guy I was talking about earlier… kinda like him…. I’m still not 100% sure, since I haven’t seen him in a while, but I kinda think so…. He probably is not into me though, since I’m a year younger than him and not overly attractive. I wish I was prettier. I wish I was smarter. I wish I could do something right. Like be a Call editor. I’m still thinking about dropping it next year. But I doubt it would make any difference.
I think I’m just depressed lately. I need someone to cheer me up, but I feel like most people don’t notice, since I’m pretty quiet anyway. Who knows? Well, I kinda want to. I want someone to figure me out for who I am. I am expecting wayyyy too much. I should expect simple things, like remembering my birthday with out facebook’s help. Now THAT would be an impressive feat.

3/15/10

Bess — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 02:05:13 +0000

I hate the ACT. Well, at least the prep. It sucks so bad. Like, I don’t know why I am wasting my time with it. I don’t think I’m getting anything out of it, besides my time being wasted. Maybe I could do the same with out it? Who knows. I am just waiting to be done with all the preliminary college crap and just find out if I get in or not. Why do colleges need to know how well I test? Is it super important in life? I don’t think so. Maybe that’s just me.
Well, Tommy and I talked last night. And it seemed like we were cool. I explained how I wasn’t really planning on breaking up with him (I wasn’t) and it just kinda happened because he panicked and I panicked. Maybe if I got the chance, I would try again. But not right now. I wanna feel like I had more than just one guy interested in me in high school. I know of a few who liked me, but nothing came of it, because I didn’t know at the time or wasn’t interested or whatever. I almost feel that because I’ve known at least a quarter of my high school since first grade and a half since middle school really doesn’t help. Since I do, they just aren’t very appealing, for a bunch of reasons.
But on a happier note, I kinda have a crush on someone else. Sort of. I’ve only known him a week, so I’m not 100% sure. Several problems. Our mutual friend, Grace who introduced us is VERY territorial about her male friends. Like if they have a girl friend, they won’t spend as much time with her. Ali and I think its because of her need for affection and love, but who knows? Problem two is that he is graduating from high school in a few months, and therefore going off to college in a few more. Yikes. I’m not a long term relationship kind of girl, but it is still nice to think that I would have a chance, much less that long. Problem three is that Ali kind of likes him too. So. I don’t think I have a chance, and if I did, I don’t think I could hurt them like that. It’s getting into dicey territory.
Thinking about love a lot lately. With my parents done, and personal thoughts going on, I’m starting to think I don’t really believe in being in love. Like even before my parents were doing the whole divorce thing, I thought a lot of it was bullshit. I can’t ever see me being so dreamily in love with someone that I sit and moon. I’ve never even been that into any crushes. I think they’re cute and sweet, but I can take them or leave them. I’ve never been as head over heels as so many people seem to be. Boys are fun, but I haven’t met any who’ve really been someone I want to sit and talk for hours. I’ve never even met a boy who I feel really listens to me. I mean, being sweet is nice, but I want someone I can talk to. Who makes me think, who makes me laugh. All that stuff. Making me laugh isn’t the biggest I guess. Everyone makes me laugh. Life makes me smile. It isn’t exactly a challenge. But maybe its because I’ve only ever really been around high school couples playing at being in love and adults that it isn’t really visible in. The clearest expression of love is always my grandparents. They don’t hold hands every where, but I know that they are in love still. My grandma worries about my grandpa and they are happy just being together.
I don’t know. Maybe I’m expecting too much from love. Maybe I’m expecting a sense of “This is what is supposed to be happening” which, frankly is a foreign emotion to me. I always think I’m doing something wrong, and everyone knows it but me. Or I should be getting something, but frankly aren’t. I would love to be in love, but I know I want even a crush I can’t stop thinking about. It will happen or it won’t though, I can’t worry about anything too much or I might miss it. And that would be the worst thing of all. Having something so close and over thinking things and missing it.

Bess — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 01:59:24 +0000

Why is is that we at humans are so inherently bad at everything? Is it because of our need to win, our need to be better? Or is it simply that we have no idea what the hell we are doing. I totally don’t . But I would hope someone out there would, you know? Like someone has a plan of what is going down, and knows where they are going with their life. I still wouldn’t know with mine, but it would be a god damn start.
My parent’s divorce is starting to seem really… real. Like now that my mom has a house, and we are going furniture shopping and all that, that it suddenly really exists. And I’m a little scared. Mostly for my dad. He is a sad, quiet man any way, and I’m scared what this will do to him. What if his high school depression comes back? Or he is all lonely?
I mean, there are advantages to me living in his house, but absolutely none for him. And my little brother? I’m worried what will happen to him when I start going to college. He isn’t a very strong kid, and I’m worried that he will be stuck trying to be an adult before his time. Before he can even drive.
I don’t know what to do though. He is either dealing or he isn’t, and if he isn’t, there isn’t much I can do. I am not very good at comforting and helping people and all that, as been evidenced many times.
Lately I’ve felt so distanced from life. Like it is going on around me, and all I can do is watch. Like I’m stuck waiting for someone or something to pull me back into life and say “this is living!”
Because to me, it seems like I’ve forgotten. Especially at school. Since it seems like the only reason that I haven’t drifted away is not wanting my grades to reflect it. I feel like I could wear a sign that says “I really need someone right now” and people would just laugh and move on. Because honestly, I do. I want someone’s shoulder to cry, for someone to hug me like they mean it and tell me it will be ok. I’m just glad Con is sooner rather than later.
I mean, my winter break was about a million times worse than this, but at least no one was around to see. It seems now, that I’m in a train wreck and everyone is just watching me do it while I crash into myself. I need to leave this fucking school. It seems so shallow, and if there is shallowness, I at least want to be included in the shallowness if nothing else. I am not even granted that luxury.
I feel like I’m losing my grip, and unless I watch out, I’m going to end up floating away on the wind, my eyes staring off into the distance.
But I at least have the weekends to anchor me down. It seems like Anne and Grace are the only people who really seem to care about my well being, and I don’t think they know the mess it seems to me like I’m in. Maybe I need to help myself? But I know I won’t, I’ve tried before, I only really make a mess of things. Aren’t you, or anyone supposed to know when someone needs help?
Or maybe not.
I mean, I don’t think it’s common to figure out people’s moods by their eyes and posture. I wish it was. Though maybe I do put on as good as a front as it feels like to me. Like I am able to hide feeling lost and alone underneath the typical smile. Maybe all I’m thought of is a shallow, vain little girl who can take care of her own problems. I don’t feel like that’s me though. Maybe most of my own problems, but maybe I just don’t know what to do when someone offers help? Has someone offered help in the past, and I’ve just denied it enough that they don’t think I need it anymore?
Or when I say, “No, I’m fine” do they take it seriously?
Because just once I really want someone to say, “No, you aren’t. I’m coming over” Or should I find someone do that to first? Really help out? I wish I knew. I want my list of the answers. It would really help.

Bess — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 03:22:17 +0000

I don’t have anything new to say, so it’s pretty much summed up by this-

and this playlist

http://8tracks.com/itsmarisaduh/love-is-in-the-air

To do or not to do

Bess — Sat, 27 Feb 2010 04:13:16 +0000

Why do things change so quickly in my life?

Tommy started talking to me again, because of my last post. Which makes me think he’s doing things he doesn’t want to do to be liked.
Maybe.

Probably not.

But that’s not what I need to figure out. It turns out Tommy’s still really into me. And I am not at all sure what to do.

On one hand, I think this time might be different, that I’d be able to trust him and everything, because he has started trusting me a bit more. Which was always my problem. I know he makes me happy when we’re together, and I know it would probably cheer him up a bit as well. Hopefully.

On the other, there’s this voice in my head, and it goes “don’t do it!” Because of those two months when he didn’t talk to me. Because he seems he’s still the same. Because I know he’s liked and been with another girl. Do guys do that when they like someone? He says it was because she “reminded me of you.” But he still did it. Which makes me doubt it a little.

I don’t know. I just know I need to sleep for the ACT tomorrow.

Goodnight all.

Ending with a wimper

Bess — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 06:15:41 +0000

So that seems to be it. Any real friendship with Tommy seems to be gone or something. We’ve really stopped seriously talking, mostly it seems because I am tired of making all the effort. And yes, I’m sure he’s going to see this and react, because that’s what he does.

And frankly, I’m tired of it. I want people to have conversations with me because they hold something other than contempt for me. And no Tommy, you don’t need to talk to me because I said this.

On a different note, I’ve decided a lot of bad things come when I’m not a good place. So I’ve decided I’ve got to happy with what life throws at me. I know that will be hard after my mom moves out, and my dad gets all depressed, but I gotta try, since I know he’s struggled with depression and I don’t want to end where he is. I mean, he’s great, but he has a even harder time than me expressing how he feels, which I’m guessing didn’t help my parents…
My mom is planning out her new house, and I’m a little excited about my second room if only that it means lots of privacy and my own bathroom. But after I go off to college, my brother is going to get my room, and it will be hard coming home over the summer to a guest room at my moms house.
But I don’t really know how to break it to her that I’m not overly interested in having a guest room in the middle of everything as a room where I have to spend half my time. This sounds a little off in the future, I know, but I don’t want to end up spending all summer at my dads and getting my mom all pissed at me because I don’t want to sleep in the spare room.
It’s like I’ll be the spare part when I come home. I won’t really fit there any more, and they are keeping me around for old times sake.

Leaving

Bess — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 03:25:22 +0000

(Songs for leaving home)

I feel so drifting. I need to run. I need something to throw myself into. I don’t have a play, I don’t have a project, I don’t have a job.

I need something to feed my soul. When I have something to do, I feel so much better about myself. Like I’m worth something. So now I feel so… blah.

Times like this is when I find myself with such a huge desire to cut my hair and dye it. As if doing that can out run who I am.

Times when I want to leave this city and fly.

So give me an assignment. Something that is a challenge. Something that makes me go.

And I’ll give you this poem

Your crumpled name

beneath my feet

Wet with snow stamped from my boots

And the gas sends you fluttering backwards

Where I hope you’ll stay.

Where I should keep you.

But you will never stay by choice.

With your overwhelming need to prove

what I’ve never wanted to deny.

It’s all false love and affection

Bess — Sun, 14 Feb 2010 07:32:38 +0000

So life has kinda been… so-so lately. Once I broke up with Tommy, my school friends kinda stopped hanging out with me, because Tommy and James are the main like buddy-buds and the other guys I’m close to in that group don’t like me enough or aren’t the inviting type. I mean, one of my friends is inviting me places, but he kinda annoys me and I know he likes me, so I don’t want to hang out with him all the time. And Tommy is being flippy floppy. He mentions wanting to hang out, and maybe some logistics. And never brings it up again. But whatever. I’m so done with all this shit.

I have been hanging out more with one of my church friends, Anne though. I’m going to a private school’s mixer tomorrow(or today, I guess). Which should be fun. But I know she’s the pretty friend, so I doubt I’ll even have someone to dance with on Valentine’s Day.

I’m Not Your Toy by LaRoux (“Das ist der absolut Hammer!”)