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I hate the ACT. Well, at least the prep. It sucks so bad. Like, I don’t know why I am wasting my time with it. I don’t think I’m getting anything out of it, besides my time being wasted. Maybe I could do the same with out it? Who knows. I am just waiting to be done with all the preliminary college crap and just find out if I get in or not. Why do colleges need to know how well I test? Is it super important in life? I don’t think so. Maybe that’s just me.
Well, Tommy and I talked last night. And it seemed like we were cool. I explained how I wasn’t really planning on breaking up with him (I wasn’t) and it just kinda happened because he panicked and I panicked. Maybe if I got the chance, I would try again. But not right now. I wanna feel like I had more than just one guy interested in me in high school. I know of a few who liked me, but nothing came of it, because I didn’t know at the time or wasn’t interested or whatever. I almost feel that because I’ve known at least a quarter of my high school since first grade and a half since middle school really doesn’t help. Since I do, they just aren’t very appealing, for a bunch of reasons.
But on a happier note, I kinda have a crush on someone else. Sort of. I’ve only known him a week, so I’m not 100% sure. Several problems. Our mutual friend, Grace who introduced us is VERY territorial about her male friends. Like if they have a girl friend, they won’t spend as much time with her. Ali and I think its because of her need for affection and love, but who knows? Problem two is that he is graduating from high school in a few months, and therefore going off to college in a few more. Yikes. I’m not a long term relationship kind of girl, but it is still nice to think that I would have a chance, much less that long. Problem three is that Ali kind of likes him too. So. I don’t think I have a chance, and if I did, I don’t think I could hurt them like that. It’s getting into dicey territory.
Thinking about love a lot lately. With my parents done, and personal thoughts going on, I’m starting to think I don’t really believe in being in love. Like even before my parents were doing the whole divorce thing, I thought a lot of it was bullshit. I can’t ever see me being so dreamily in love with someone that I sit and moon. I’ve never even been that into any crushes. I think they’re cute and sweet, but I can take them or leave them. I’ve never been as head over heels as so many people seem to be. Boys are fun, but I haven’t met any who’ve really been someone I want to sit and talk for hours. I’ve never even met a boy who I feel really listens to me. I mean, being sweet is nice, but I want someone I can talk to. Who makes me think, who makes me laugh. All that stuff. Making me laugh isn’t the biggest I guess. Everyone makes me laugh. Life makes me smile. It isn’t exactly a challenge. But maybe its because I’ve only ever really been around high school couples playing at being in love and adults that it isn’t really visible in. The clearest expression of love is always my grandparents. They don’t hold hands every where, but I know that they are in love still. My grandma worries about my grandpa and they are happy just being together.
I don’t know. Maybe I’m expecting too much from love. Maybe I’m expecting a sense of “This is what is supposed to be happening” which, frankly is a foreign emotion to me. I always think I’m doing something wrong, and everyone knows it but me. Or I should be getting something, but frankly aren’t. I would love to be in love, but I know I want even a crush I can’t stop thinking about. It will happen or it won’t though, I can’t worry about anything too much or I might miss it. And that would be the worst thing of all. Having something so close and over thinking things and missing it.
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