Yes, I realize its been a long time. And I am sorry, again, but diaries and things of the sort have never been my strong suit.

But there has been tons of drama in the past few weeks, and I feel the need to get it down somewhere.

So I broke up with my boyfriend of the summer, (let’s call him Tommy) on the advice from at that point one of my kinda friends (let’s call him James). Tommy and James are good friends, and have been for about a year. Most important fact right there.

Now, they are two very different guys. Tommy is the happy-go-lucky guy, all friendly and nice.

James is the tough “I’m an asshole” type when you first meet him, but he’s actually pretty sweet when you get to know him, but its very hard to get past the asshole type.

But anyway, back to the point. A month or two after Tommy and I broke up, we are back to being friends, relatively quickly actually because we really click just as people.  James and I are pretty cool, and my thought is we are actually friends at this point. I’m getting along with them both, and things are going well just in general.

Then a bomb drops. I ask why James is doing various things, such as not eating every meal, trying to be nicer, etc. His reply is rather simple “A girl”. Of course, being the curious person I am, I ask about this girl, and he replies in all the way he adores her, which I will not repeat for many reasons.

I’m talking to Tommy and he is saying he likes a girl as well. I, of course begin to encourage both of them. At one point, it occurs to me that both of these girls sound slightly like me. I have a mini panic attack, and then resolve that, because that is just stupid. Why would two boys like me? The idea is preposterous.

I was wrong. James does several stupid things, to “punish himself” for not talking to “the girl” about how he feels. I feel terrible about this. I am not that great, what did I do to inspire this?

Various problems ensue. I talk to Tommy about James, and he maybe lies to me, I am not sure. I know that he lies to me a lot though.

Basically it goes like this. I talk to James, and he is perfectly sweet and great and I enjoy talking to him, and he flatters me, and I believe I am getting a crush on him. Then I talk to Tommy, and we laugh and joke and he tells me how James would be bad for me, and I start to think that James wouldn’t work out, and its stupid to even think about it.

And so on. Some point of this, I learned James has liked me for over a year. I panic a little more.

Until one day, when the shit hits the ceiling. James decides to talk to me. At school. In the parking lot.

While I’m sure this encounter was awkward and just plain terrible, I can’t remember it. I know I walked away with a poem that made me tear up quite a bit.

James is depressed, because what ever I said in that parking lot must have been rejection. I want to make it better, so I go to talk to him. We talk, and I tell him I’m not sure, but I must not have put it clearly enough. We talk, and things are looking up, and I am thinking I will give James a chance, because otherwise I will not feel ok about this whole thing.

But then another shit hitting ceiling night happens. I am staying in, because I know if i go out with Tommy, he will end up trying to make a move on me because of something that I didn’t think about at the time. I am not ready for that, so I have decided to stay in.

James has started talking to me again, and I tell him I am feeling trapped and worried, and he urges me to go out. I say no, because it might end up hurting him. He urges me more, and I agree because I am tired.

I am tired of him not actually seeming like he wants me, I am tired of Tommy telling me he is an ass, I am tired of things going wrong. I am tired of being sad.

I go, and Tommy and I kiss. Well, Tommy kisses me. I go home and tell James what happened. He is sad and depressed, and feels like he is insignificant (I assume).

I tell him we can hang out, because I don’t want to be anything to Tommy with out giving James a chance.

I cry very much this week.

James starts to question why I am willing to hang out with him. He sees to far into it, and I get angry and give up. I am done.

I am done with being sad and being angry and hating him and Tommy lying to me.

The day after I give up on talking to him, he gets a kinda girlfriend. This hurts. Not necessarily because I like him one way or another, but because I am worth so little that I can say no and one day later he is over me.

I say fuck it, and go out with Tommy, and make out with him in my car the night I was supposed to go hang out with James.

Tommy and I are now kinda something even though I’m not sure what, but I like things the way they are.

There is more to this story, but I have written enough.