Song: Looking Back

I’m looking to the past,
leaving you behind me
I knew this would never last
I’ll always be the one to leave you
So what if I’ve got my pride?
I know I’ll never had you
And who cares where I’m going to,
when I don’t know where I’ve been.

Because all I want to say,
Is theres no looking back today
Your in the past,
and I know we’d never last anyway

All I need to ask you
Was yesterday good for you
Because its all we’ll ever have
But it was never much at all
Cause I know I’d never fall for you
Even though you fell for me

Because all I want to say,
Is theres no looking back today
Your in the past,
and I know we’d never last anyway
Anyway

And all I can ever say
Is sorry yet another day
Was it not enough
That I tried things I didn’t want
Because I’m not for you
And not for me

And you never will be

Long Time Gone

Yes, I realize its been a long time. And I am sorry, again, but diaries and things of the sort have never been my strong suit.

But there has been tons of drama in the past few weeks, and I feel the need to get it down somewhere.

So I broke up with my boyfriend of the summer, (let’s call him Tommy) on the advice from at that point one of my kinda friends (let’s call him James). Tommy and James are good friends, and have been for about a year. Most important fact right there.

Now, they are two very different guys. Tommy is the happy-go-lucky guy, all friendly and nice.

James is the tough “I’m an asshole” type when you first meet him, but he’s actually pretty sweet when you get to know him, but its very hard to get past the asshole type.

But anyway, back to the point. A month or two after Tommy and I broke up, we are back to being friends, relatively quickly actually because we really click just as people.  James and I are pretty cool, and my thought is we are actually friends at this point. I’m getting along with them both, and things are going well just in general.

Then a bomb drops. I ask why James is doing various things, such as not eating every meal, trying to be nicer, etc. His reply is rather simple “A girl”. Of course, being the curious person I am, I ask about this girl, and he replies in all the way he adores her, which I will not repeat for many reasons.

I’m talking to Tommy and he is saying he likes a girl as well. I, of course begin to encourage both of them. At one point, it occurs to me that both of these girls sound slightly like me. I have a mini panic attack, and then resolve that, because that is just stupid. Why would two boys like me? The idea is preposterous.

I was wrong. James does several stupid things, to “punish himself” for not talking to “the girl” about how he feels. I feel terrible about this. I am not that great, what did I do to inspire this?

Various problems ensue. I talk to Tommy about James, and he maybe lies to me, I am not sure. I know that he lies to me a lot though.

Basically it goes like this. I talk to James, and he is perfectly sweet and great and I enjoy talking to him, and he flatters me, and I believe I am getting a crush on him. Then I talk to Tommy, and we laugh and joke and he tells me how James would be bad for me, and I start to think that James wouldn’t work out, and its stupid to even think about it.

And so on. Some point of this, I learned James has liked me for over a year. I panic a little more.

Until one day, when the shit hits the ceiling. James decides to talk to me. At school. In the parking lot.

While I’m sure this encounter was awkward and just plain terrible, I can’t remember it. I know I walked away with a poem that made me tear up quite a bit.

James is depressed, because what ever I said in that parking lot must have been rejection. I want to make it better, so I go to talk to him. We talk, and I tell him I’m not sure, but I must not have put it clearly enough. We talk, and things are looking up, and I am thinking I will give James a chance, because otherwise I will not feel ok about this whole thing.

But then another shit hitting ceiling night happens. I am staying in, because I know if i go out with Tommy, he will end up trying to make a move on me because of something that I didn’t think about at the time. I am not ready for that, so I have decided to stay in.

James has started talking to me again, and I tell him I am feeling trapped and worried, and he urges me to go out. I say no, because it might end up hurting him. He urges me more, and I agree because I am tired.

I am tired of him not actually seeming like he wants me, I am tired of Tommy telling me he is an ass, I am tired of things going wrong. I am tired of being sad.

I go, and Tommy and I kiss. Well, Tommy kisses me. I go home and tell James what happened. He is sad and depressed, and feels like he is insignificant (I assume).

I tell him we can hang out, because I don’t want to be anything to Tommy with out giving James a chance.

I cry very much this week.

James starts to question why I am willing to hang out with him. He sees to far into it, and I get angry and give up. I am done.

I am done with being sad and being angry and hating him and Tommy lying to me.

The day after I give up on talking to him, he gets a kinda girlfriend. This hurts. Not necessarily because I like him one way or another, but because I am worth so little that I can say no and one day later he is over me.

I say fuck it, and go out with Tommy, and make out with him in my car the night I was supposed to go hang out with James.

Tommy and I are now kinda something even though I’m not sure what, but I like things the way they are.

There is more to this story, but I have written enough.

Sermon

Yes, I do realize it has been  a year since I have posted. Understood. And I am sorry to any people who actually read this, but I am bad a keeping up on things.

But, on another note, I did accomplish something of note reccently. I did a sermon/ service for my church. I arranged the whole thing, and most people said they liked it, which is always a self esteem booster. My service was on freedom, which usually ends in American’s griping about the stuff we don’t have, not the freedoms we do have, but my service was more positive, about freedoms we have and how we should appriciate them more.

It only lasted about 45 minutes, short of the one hour mark sadly. But even those 45 minutes were a lot of work. Also, all the hymns and readings not posted are in the UU hymnal, Singing In the Living tradition.

Here’s the service.

PRELUDE
I’m on My Way

WELCOME AND ANNOUNCEMENTS

CALL TO WORSHIP AND CHALICE LIGHTING -Owen
In lighting our candles, we enter into the spirit of this community with love and charity for all humanity.
We draw together with reverence, faith and thanksgiving,
Accepting the company of all human souls for our comfort.
HYMN
Oh I woke up this morning #153
OFFERING WORDS AND TIME OF GREETING
In the future days which we seek to make secure, we look forward to a world founded upon four essential human freedoms.
The first is freedom of speech and expression–everywhere in the world.
The second is freedom of every person to worship God in his own way–everywhere in the world.
The third is freedom from want, which, translated into world terms, means economic understandings which will secure to every nation a healthy peacetime life for its inhabitants–everywhere in the world.
The fourth is freedom from fear, which, translated into world terms, means a world-wide reduction of armaments to such a point and in such a thorough fashion that no nation will be in a position to commit an act of physical aggression against any neighbor–anywhere in the world.
That is no vision of a distant millennium. It is a definite basis for a kind of world attainable in our own time and generation.
HYMN
Oh I wish I knew how #151
PRAYER AND MEDITATION
For to be free is not merely to cast off one’s chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others.
Nelson Mandela (1918 – )
MUSICAL INTERLUDE
This Land is your Land
READING-
Freedom 590
HOMILY

HYMN
We are Builiding a New Way #1017
BENEDICTION
May we be doers of the word, and not hearers only,
For to hear without doing is to deceive our own selves.
It is merely to behold our faces in a mirror, and go on our spearate ways, and straightaway forget what manner of person we are.
But whosoever looks into the perfect law of liberty, and continues therein;
We shall not be forgetful hearers, we shall be doers of the work;
We shall be blessed in our deeds; we shall be blessed in all we do.

 

And the sermon/Homily

Freedom has always been a big part of America. The idealists of our nation have always had freedom at the top of their lists, a justification for wars and political moves, but to UU’s it has always been far more important, a very basis of our religion itself, not just reasoning for far off wars. Without freedom, Unitarianism wouldn’t be what it is now. It is part of our core value and core beliefs. Some of the most famous Unitarians are famous because of their fight for freedom, Thomas Jefferson, John Adams and Benjamin Franklin.
Though they are long dead, their lives and work effect every part of us, from the way our country is run to the way our church acts, which  for the most part involves community outreach in our area and all over the world.
Thanks to the actions of these founding fathers, many of us haven’t had to work for freedom for ourselves or in our own communities for years, though UUs still usually do, reaching out for rights that still need to be achieved, such as gay marriage. But still, we reach out to other places far away, it might be because of the freedoms we appreciate as Americans, but it is much more likely it is because we are UUs and we reach out to anyone we can to help.
We send aid to our sister church, so their children have the freedom of more choices, to go school and to be able to feed their families. We send letters and protests to leaders to share our opinion. All vital parts of being a Unitarian, but an even more vital part of being an American citizen.
As American citizens, we don’t even recognize the freedoms we have until we really think about it. We’re much more likely, to gripe about the freedoms we don’t have. We aren’t allowed to go 35 down the street, we aren’t allowed to stay out past 11, we aren’t allowed to just not work on Fridays. But there are so many little things we are allowed to do that make the biggest difference. I can walk down the street alone with out a veil covering my face. I can tell a congressman I just don’t like him very much. My school paper can have a story about birth control in it.

The Kirkwood High School newspaper is where I’ve had a lot of encounters with freedom. We’ve done a few articles about things like pregnancy and depression, and even thought it might not be the most positive thing to put in a school newspaper, it is something true. Though our school district might not like these stories they don’t tell us to sacrifice our rights and not publish it. Not that they don’t have the legal right to. In a Hazelwood based Supreme Court case in the 80s, school administrators were given the right to preview and reject what students publish in their newspapers. A few states have overturned this, but Missouri is sadly not one of them. Our school doesn’t practice it, but with a new superintendent, there is a small chance we might forfeit this.

In one letter to the editor, we had someone write a letter so against gay rights, that in response we had three letters written back, at least two anonymous, not to mention the letter being the talk of the hallways. Most of the staff, me included, didn’t agree with the letter, But we published it. They had the right, the freedom to share their opinion, and we weren’t planning on stopping that. It was his freedom of speech, and to keep our own untarnished, we published his opinions.
The Newspaper isn’t the only place I have experienced freedom in my own life. I am allowed to read whatever books I want, even though someone might think they are inappropriate, or against their religion. Book burning is also a freedom, a way to show your opinion. And though I don’t like the idea of books being burned at all, I wouldn’t stop one, in the same way I hope I wouldn’t be stopped from reading a controversial book.
Like many other parts of America, freedom is something we have to work for. Unitarian’s alone take part in protest for anything you can imagine, using their freedom of assembly and petition, to give our say, and most of us very obviously value this right. We protest, write letters, donate time and money, all to show our freedom.
Our UU principles even state that we stand for democracy and liberty, and if those two don’t come close to freedom, I don’t know what does. It is part of our mission statement and part of who we are religiously.
My view on freedom might be different than the average person though. I was raised UU, unlike many who find themselves here now. Because of that, I might think differently about freedom and democracy than other teenagers, even American teenagers, those who have never experienced anything else. Thinking about the things we have as Americans is hard for us, especially things we can’t touch. It isn’t something we’re thankful for daily, or even register on a normal day, just a fact to us, except when we’re being self righteous and say something like “It’s a free country!”
What does that even mean? Well, besides what we say when we’re demanding to do things we shouldn’t. To me it’s lately come to mean more. I get to drive through the streets, and though I can’t go to fast, or drive more than one friend in my car, but I am allowed to drive, to go where I want to go, and I constantly think in a few years about my freedom to vote. Freedom being the key word. I can choose to go and vote, or I can choose not to. It doesn’t matter to the government, but hopefully it should matter to me.
I have to admit though, freedom isn’t always something I am consciously thankful for. It’s not something I wake up thinking, not like “I’m hungry” or “five more minutes”. Its one of those thoughts that come later, as you tell someone you don’t like their outfit or that you’ll be going to your church later that you think that you are exercising  “Freedom of speech” or “freedom of religion”. It’s a happy feeling, knowing that you have truly exercised your constitutional rights today.  Unfortunately, most of us don’t think of it.
Even on the forth of July, yesterday, freedom isn’t the first thing to come to mind. It comes somewhere after cook outs and fireworks, even though its the whole reason we have the holiday. We might even sing the national anthem or watch veterans march by, but freedom doesn’t come to mind.
That might be an inherent part of freedom. You never really think about it, its just a fact. But when its taken away or you have to fight for it, it becomes much more valuable. Those who’ve never truly had it also probably appreciate the idea of freedom much more than we do. They dream about it, desire it, think about it, and maybe some even obsess. But we just take it for granted, just another thing on that long list.
Though, the more we work for freedom, not even for ourselves, but for anyone, the more we appreciate it. Those of us who help in the fight for gay rights or the right for women to go to school have a better sense of what it means for us to have freedom. Not only the freedom of speech and press, but the freedom to go to school, the freedom to marry who you want to. Things that don’t even register to us until we join the fight to get what ever it is.
Then after we have achieved our goal do we really realize how good we have it. And all we really need to do is think about it a bit more. How glad we are we have it. That we do have free speech, and we do have the right to petition. It’s why our country and even our religion is the way it is today.

Making Fun of People

Since I don’t already have enough issues, lets all make fun of Bess at the same time.

Depression? Lets call her a emo!

Self Esteem issue? Lets call her names like bitch and cumsucker!

Issues with how she looks? Lets tell her how ugly and short she is!

If this isn’t already enough fun, lets add more!

Let’s refuse to grow some balls and apologize for something that is, in fact, a big deal.

Lets tell her constantly how her thoughts and opinions don’t matter!

You know what else will be fun? Refusing to respect her religon!

Or, for added kicks, her at all.

All that requires true men to accomplish!

Since making a already insecure and sad little girl even more sad and insecure is lots and lots of fun!

Making someone want to cry themselves to sleep is definately a good thing.

And when she thinks this is a normal occurence, good job, you’ve accompished your goal.

Thanks for destroying my self esteem guys!

Sophmore Year

So I’ve started my sophmore year, and so far I see no major changes, besides not being a freshie. I’ve meet some new cool people, and classes are a little harder. I’m still the lonely little short kid who people make fun of. And my friends are really the worst. A few of them are actually joking, but this one guy, being the total jackass he is, definately is being mean for the heck of it.

It has almost gotten to the point where I am about to go off on them. If I ever felt any need to beat someone up, it would be him. Could he be more jerky?

Fath in Love

I was questioning if I had any faith in love, and I figured out I didn’t. I love plenty of people and would do (almost) anything for most of them, but I have some horrible feeling that the feeling isn’t mutual. Like I can’t trust their love for me. I have no idea why, but I’m kinda guessing some childhood trauma that I, of course, can’t remember.

I am told constantly that I watched Cinderella everyday when I was younger, and I remember playing once that a boy loved a girl enough to save her (I was like 7!). So it must have happened sometime between then and middle school.

I really want to believe in love, but frankly, I’m scared to let people in. What kind of person am I? I don’t tell people things unless I REALLY trust them, and I rarely REALLY trust people.

Whats wrong with me?

LepreCON

(Written in April, 2008)

So I went to LepreCon last weekend, and it was a lot of fun. It was super awesome cause I met a whole ton of new people and got to know other people better.

We( all the people from my church and two other churches) got on a charter bus at 5 on Friday and started driving for about three hours. While on the bus I talked to Phil, read To Kill a Mockingbird and listened to my ipod. When we got there we all unloaded from the buses and took our stuff to our cabins, and mine, of course, was the very last one. In the WAY back. Like a five minute walk. After we dropped off all our stuff, we went back to the main hall to socialize and attack virgins. I was de-virginized last CON so that was a lot of fun. After that, they sent us back to our cabins and we met with our touch group and mine was pretty awesome, and it was way cool. We even played the penis game. About 1:30 we all went to sleep (on actual mattresses!)

The next morning, I got ready and walked to the main hall, ate breakfast (really weird eggs, pancakes and cereal) and played Spoons, Egyptian whatever (that game where you slap the cards) and BS. I was best at BS. After that, we met up with our touch groups (fun again). Then we went to workshops, the first one I had signed up for was making T shirts into bags (which is uber awesome and actually pretty easy.) We all went to lunch which I cannot remember what we ate. Listened to an environmental lecture after that that was mostly about Haiti (Really interesting stuff). I went out and played like 6 different versions of Mafia after that with all the people I hadn’t know that long. My second workshop was for future dictators of silent football. My group didn’t get much done because everyone disagreed on the rules so we all left to join other groups which was way more fun. I am now officially Mrs.ShitsandGiggles. About 3 we ended silent football and all the violent people (me included) went to play Wink. It was crazy awesome but I had a really strong partner and didn’t get much done, except for getting covered in mud. Everyone went to take a group picture after that (Kind of ridiculous, tons of people were dirty and such like so it’s probably pretty obvious who was playing Wink. We went to our touch group one last time ( we of course played the penis game). someone else who stayed in my cabin and I decided it was a good time to go take advantage of the in-camp showers (Burning hot, I DO NOT recommend it [I had a sunburn, so it was even worse]) we some how got the job done and left for dinner. I was of course late but still got some good pasta. I played Munchkins with some people after that, which is a pretty good game. We listened to a lecture on stars (bizarre and interesting) and then went to worship. We walked to this sunken garden place, and while walking there holding hands, we chanted ” Come, Loved ones come. Come to the beat of the heartbeat drum” over and over again until every one was in a spiral shape in the sunken garden. we then put stardust on people’s brows while chanting “The earth, the air, the fire the water, we turn, we turn we turn we turn. Aiye Aiye aiye aiye. Aioo, Aioo Aioo” Over and over again until everyone had stardust. The worship leaders spoke some more and then we did unconditional love. I got a whole ton of hugs. We then left, again holding hands, chanting “Go now in peace, go now in peace. May the spirit of love surround you. Every where, Everywhere you may go” We then had the dance )Cool, since I love to dance) until 12 when all the virgins were PUUFed. I <3 PUUFing. The Coffee house was next which was funny and awesome and thought provoking. About two I went back to my cabin and went to bed, listening to my ipod.

The next day, every one was tired and about ready to go home, we had the final words and group hug. Our group sat around for about an hour before we got on the bus. I finished To Kill A Mockingbird, and then we were home.

Hate and Apathy

Spring Break has finally come! WAHOO!

I am more depressed that I’ve ever been! Not good!

I wouldn’t say this is a chart topping time, I got pretty close to cutting myself a while a go… But it still pretty high up.

I feel like I just want to start sobbing, but the tears won’t come. I feel more alone than usual, like no one really gets me, and I just want to leave.

What I want to do when I go to college is move away. I don’t want to have to talk to anyone from here ever again because I hate being here, in this prison of pretty narrow mindedness where all I’m seen is as a piece of meat.  Like I can’t think  or do anything worth while.

It made me see that even more when after a guy who liked me came up to me and told me I wasn’t pretty any more because I cut my hair. And then he decided, after months of me telling him this, we wouldn’t of worked out.

So I know all he saw was my hair and maybe something funny I did.

I hate it. I hate being stuck here where everyone just thinks of me like “that weird girl”  because I wear what I damn well want to wear and act how I want to act. I hate how I don’t seem to click with anyone here. I hate how I don’t relate that well when people tell me things. I hate how I always think of the right thing to say hours later. I hate how people just don’t get me. I hate how people never want to tell me things will be ok because I’m realistic. I hate how people think I’m lesbian because I don’t have any guys I really like at my school. I hate how my friends like to harass me. I hate how they don’t get it bothers me. I hate how they just don’t get it. I hate how everyone thinks I’m so much better than I am. I hate how people make me smile when I’m determined to be mad at them. I hate how I’m me.

Most of all I hate they way I am.

I really don’t like me.

Updates

Well, its so close to spring break I could hit it with a rock! And I don’t throw very far! But I’m pumped, cause I might finally get enough sleep, I haven’t slept like at all (about six hours a night) lately. So I’m exhausted. Which definitely doesn’t help at school.

I’m almost done with my community service which is really good. I only have an hour and a half left!!!!  I’ve done dough nuts at my church twice which gave me two hours and I did the book fair which gave me a hour a half. So I’ve done 10.5 hours of service!!

So, I’m going to Con on the fourth and I’m SO excited. I CANNOT wait!!!

Thats all for now, seeya later!

Wow, its been a while

Anyway, besides above fact, it been ok.  My friend has been kind of upset lately, and she blames it on her period. I think its that but, I think she’s over doing it. I mean, I do have a period, get over it, you can’t use that as an excuse in real life, so I think its a bad way to avoid things.

I’ve been getting closer (like friends) to all my guy friends, and kind of getting farther away from most of my girl friends most of this year. That would worry me, but it really doesn’t.  I have always gotten along with guys better for whatever reason.  Less drama and more fun probably.  Like if there are two groups in a room, a group of guys and girls, I will walk over to the guys first.  You might think it weird, but whatever.